A Field Guide to Mountain Bikers

[clark4131]

Well, you can tell it's Spring in Nevada. The Yellow-Bellied Scissorbills are out in force. Herds of spandex-coated homos have begun to migrate East from their winter co-ops, ashrams and trust-fund-sheltered mansions of Northern California. Their knobby knees, shaved legs and Kerry '04 stickers dot the singletrack of the Nevada High Sierras like small pox on an Ethiopian poster child. There voices can be heard echoing from their warm weather roosts at the local Starbucks with the familiar cries of "Greenhouse Gases", "Global Warming" and "Bush is the Anti-Christ!" Though seemingly graceful and well-intentioned, the Scissorbill does have some inherently nasty traits worthy of examination.

A warning to all dirt bike enthusiasts...These creatures, though actually non-indigenous parasites rather than native fauna, are highly territorial and filled with hostility. They will attempt to defend their usurped habitats with vitriolic sarcasm and self-righteous indignation should anyone riding a vehicle powered by internal combustion dare to enjoy the same terrain they are currently occupying. Much like the display many other animals employ to deter an attack by something higher on the food chain, the Scissorbill's chest puffing and breast beating is merely for intimidation and is a hollow threat at best. Should you find yourself on the receiving end of one of these displays, try to take a picture or get video as they make for great entertainment. Once you've grown tired of it, simply point your rear tire at the source of the squawking, rev your engine and drop the clutch. The resulting roost should be more than adequate to return the environment to relative silence, allowing you to continue your journey unmolested.

On occasion, a Scissorbill may attempt to attack. Though their armor may look substantial, rest assured it is for ornamental purposes only and provides little, if any, protection. A swift kick to a shaved shin with the steel-clad toe of your offroad boot will quickly redirect any lunge. It should be noted that the Scissorbill's plumage is primarily designed to attract members of either sex. However, unless you have a trained eye, it is extremely difficult to tell them apart, as the species is inherently androgynous and has been known to attempt mating within the genders.

Thankfully, Nevada has not become infested by Scissorbills to the point that they have become a protected species. Hopefully, the powers that be will continue to recognize the Scissorbill is merely a nuisance, undeserving of any real attention, much like the mosquito or African dung beetle. And so, gentle reader, armed with this information, go and enjoy the trails and singletrack of Nevada's high desert without concern for the Scissorbill. Though flamboyant and noisy, it is merely a nuisance aberration and should never deter you from enjoying your two-wheeled adventures. Good night and Good luck...SC

[MotoGoalie]

You sir are gifted.

We have these 'things' out here in Western Colorado also.

[WGP]

Thats some funny stuff

It is time for some Peavine.....I'll keep my eye out and let you know of any sightings.....

VCGP was rad, did I see you on Sat on the ridgetop with the American flag?

(It was an WR??)

[rich1167]

Moab is infested!!!! I wonder if an exterminator for the Scissorbill can be found cheaply and legally?

[clark4131]

I couldn't make it to the VCGP. My wife was out of town and I had the kids. I did get out on Peavine yesterday and had my first run-in of the season with a Scissorbill, hence the little editorial. Just a little FYI, the back side is still closed out due to snow, so no Dog Valley access yet, at least from the summit. It might be accessible from the north at Cold Springs...SC

[Bamster]

I was at my favorite single track riding spot yesterday and there was a herd of them set up beside my car and trailer when I was done riding. They were listening to some techno-disco crap blaring from the innards of a 60,000 $ BMW. Their bikes were layed out all in front of my car as they were lubing chains and adjusting brakes. They seemed to be oblivious to all motorized machines around them. I packed up,loaded my bike on the trailer and cranked some Megadeath on the CD player and proceeded to start my car. Waited a few seconds to see if they would move. Nope, I had to toot the horn before they would clear out of the way.

[dbailey223]

Nicely stated Clark.

[byggd]

We had a sighting last week while riding north of arrowhead and he was surprisingly docile . Maybe because there was only one of him and two of us, that and the guy probably weighed 120 lbs soaking wet

[dbailey223]

No problems with or sighting of pedal pushers on the trails or otherwise in the Vegas area since I moved here in January 04. In Washington State, a different story.

[bluebike1999]

it's pleasing to see their presence has little effect on you........

i know a good track near some private property and a mine they should check out..........

[GCannon]

Nice one Clark you Rule. The thing that kills me is the people they carry the water for are taking their money (and votes) and giving it to them in the posterior and they love it. You know those hypocrites would rather be riding your motorcycle if they had the chance.

[crooks420]

I spotted two of these "homo" creatures out at Rowher Flats this past weekend.... seems they were out enjoying the dust and occasional roost from passing thumpers.... Who could resist whacking the throttle on them...??? Not me!

A very eloquent summary of these odd creatures........

Jesse

[bluebike1999]

you could try installing a 'mountain bike warning' that they can relate to.... like this.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v696/bluebike1999/DSC00594.jpg

you may even make em laugh.

[Thom_McNabb]

Are you kidding?

It takes more effort to pedal to the top of a hill than roost. Those guys are tough as nails. The folks I ride with (MTB and moto) do a lot of trail maintenance and have a strong multi-use ethic. The MTB’ers are getting squeezed by the same folks as us motos, you will find a high rate of Blue Ribbon Coalition membership among MTB folks.

And don’t knock shaving your legs till you’ve tried it…?

[black_n_blue_thumper]

Are you kidding?

It takes more effort to pedal to the top of a hill than roost. Those guys are tough as nails. The folks I ride with (MTB and moto) do a lot of trail maintenance and have a strong multi-use ethic. The MTB’ers are getting squeezed by the same folks as us motos, you will find a high rate of Blue Ribbon Coalition membership among MTB folks.

And don’t knock shaving your legs till you’ve tried it…

Spoken like a true Californian Scissorbill Uhhh, MTB's are not getting affected by the "NON-MOTORIZED" nazies ? . I had to shave my legs before (for athletic tape in football) and I WILL knock it. It made me feel kinda gay. Maybe thats why they like it. Most MTB'ers (who dont roost) I know are in great shape, but not tough as nails (unless your thinking in a homo way ). Great post Clark.

[MotoGoalie]

Brokeback MountainBikers unite and extol the virtue of shaving your hairy bits.

[RhedF350]

So thanks for tuning me up on the throttle stop issue. I rode two days ago and had the PRC vs dirtbiker encounter also. This was some people in a CA plated car trying to pet the feral horses. I got the dirty look and saw them rushing back to their car to roll up the windows.

[dpike]

Uhhh, MTB's are not getting affected by the "NON-MOTORIZED" nazies

To reply to your "Uhhhh" with another "Uhhhh", Uhhhh, they actually are even being affected by non-mechanized nazis.

I'll definitely admit the cycling community could benefit from a visit by the fashion-police and that there's some real freaks out there, but if you're going to roost someone, do it to your buddy.

You guys are the reason we are all going to lose.

Just another homo,

DP

[clark4131]

You guys are the reason we are all going to lose.

This is exactly the type of self-righteous indignation I spoke of. I don't know of anyone who rides a dirt bike that throws a hissy fit when they see a pedaler, horseback rider, or couch driver on "their" trail. I go out of my way to treat other trail users with courtesy and respect, regardless of their chosen mode of transportation. The mountain bikers I encounter, without exception, have an attitude and agenda and display it readily when I have the misfortune to cross their path. Your reply insinuates a need for solidarity within the entire outdoor community. I say fine, then the spandex crowd needs to get off their high horses in their ivory tower of pseudo-environmentalism and start playing nice with others. A BRC membership card, a Volvo and a Starbucks frequent flier coupon just doesn't cut it. The next time one of them opens their mouth to insult me in the name of environmental defense, I'm gonna bust out some of their porcelain veneers with my tire spoons ...SC

[GCannon]

Clark I highly recommend passing them at the stream crossing. Nothing like a good second gear wheelie across the stream while they are filling their waterbottels to counter act a case of Rightious Indignation.