Baja Tale

Glade I didn't tag along on this ride last week!!

My weekend ride....

A true story of adventure intended for your enjoyment. Graphic details

not

for the light hearted.

To my riding buddies, be glad you missed out on this ride. These are

the

kind of rides that make memories forever, the kind you DON'T want to be

your

first experience in a remote foreign place.

Check out the photos which were taken when things were still fun. This

turned out to be the Baja Adventure from Hell. Long story but here's

the

summary: Started out Thurs morn, 7am, dusty, with 4 guys on a ride

designed

in advance to be for 3 days, carrying back packs and tools with all our

gear

for 2 nights out in the middle of nowhere. A simple, stupid crash

early put

a nice bruize on my leg along with some regular cactus thorns in my

butt.

This should have been the indicator for what was to come. At the 70

mile

mark into the ride, 1 guy goes back to the truck with bad stomach, a

smarter

move than we thought, as we would find out later. Dust begins to go

away in

trade for light snow. Temp is now about 35 degrees. We are at the 90

mile

mark of tight single track into our 1st day's ride. Snow is getting

worse,

but still fun, until we are riding in about 18" of fresh snow, having

difficulty staying on and even finding the trails. We ride for about 3

hours in deep snow, until dusk is on us. It's gets pitch black dark by

5:30

pm. Underneath the snow begins to form ice as a base which makes it

lmost

impossible to keep your bike upright. You become constantly fighting

to

keep from going down, with occasional complete instant broad slides at

30

mph coming to a complete abrupt stop at 90 degrees to the direction

your

were heading only seconds before. Your arms are pumped to the max due

to

the constant muscle flexing intimidation of anticipating and avoiding

the

fall. You have to maintain 30 mph to keep the bike headed in the

general

direction you want to go and then WHAM, it slides completely sideways,

with

no warning, and you slide to a stop trying not to fall OR the other

option

is you fall and dig in like large airplane hitting the snow at an

awkward

angle, shoving snow into every cavity that can be stuffed with white

fresh

snow. I managed to slide out on a large rock face and tip over (high

side)

sitting squarely on a large CHOWA cactus inserting 200 or so 3 inch

long

barbed needles into my butt cheek as the bike falls on top of me

pinning me

to the Chowa cactus. My pants and riding skins are now stapled to my

skin

with thorns. These needles don't just pull out due to the barbs, I

have to

break off what I can by feeling with my fingertips, in order to just

allow

my pants to be removed. I can't see the thorns on my back side, so I

have

to drop my pants and skins, standing butt ass naked in the snowy

darkness,

bent over picking needles out of my butt cheek, hoping Candid camera is

not

lurking around. After 30 minutes I have most of them broken off with

the

residue remaining as little nubs, just enough to annoy the crap out of

you

if you try to sit down. It's rather difficult to even get my pants

back on

as they catch on the remaining nubs as you slide them up. I Ride for

the

next hour standing up with a quick reminder if I try to sit down. My

Feet

are frozen with no feeling, arms are mush, can't feel any extremities,

but

luckily the cactus needles are now numb too. The Mexican Federalies

stop us

in pitch black of night, in deep snow, at El Topo(a mere title given to

a

spot which is basically in the middle of nowhere, these guys are

fricking

nuts, like who would be smuggling drugs in 25 degree weather in the

middle

of nowhere!). We trek on as it's now basically a "white out". I

Manage to

fall again and hit my shinbone in the exact same spot as earlier in the

day

where the large bruise now already exists. 2 of our 3 bikes now run

out of

gas, due to the added rpm required to ride in the deep snow. Not

knowing

how far we are from the cabin, another one of those spots in the middle

of

nowhere, we make a plan to send 1 bike (mine) to get gas, leaving 2

guys in

the dark, in the snow. Their lighter, the one they've had for 15 years

of

so and never had to use, for a fire, does not work, too much melted ice

and

impact. Turns out we are only 15 miles from the cabin on the rock,

which

takes about 45 minutes to negotiate after several falls at 30 mph. I

round

up the rancher who has closed up this remote location/destination

assuming

that we aren't coming. I syphon 2 gallons of gas in the dark and head

back

out to save my buddies from a weary night in the snow and ice..... butt

cold, with icy wet socks. I find them in the dark, shivering and

trying to

decide which one of them is going to be sleeping on top. Needless to

say

they are grateful to see me. We transfer fuel to the empty bikes and

head

out. We do not arrive until after 8pm at the "cabin on the rock", 130

miles

later of snowy single track. They brew up some soup and deer meat,

serving

us by flashlight as there are no lights, the generator is out. We try

to

warm up by the wood stove as I try to pick more cactus needle nubs out

of

butt cheek. 2 tequilla's later we go to bed fat and happy, not quite

thawed

out yet and with wet gear by the wood stove. In the morning the heat

from

the stove has melted the glue on my boot and the sole falls off!!

Boots are

still not dry either! We try to Zip tie the sole back on, which

doesn't

work so good if you're taking notes, and boots with no sole are much

like

wearing thongs. It has snowed all night and is still snowing..... 25

Degrees outside, bikes are covered in snow. We make a corporate

decision to

"get out of Dodge" and ride back to our trucks 130 miles away, in what

is

now, 24" of snow. It's very difficult to find the trail or the

road....

feel like crap.... literally. All of sudden, have to panic stop and el

poopo like a kinked hose....... My buddies laugh and giggle as I slowly

come

back out of the woods with the cowboy walk. Grant, one of those

laughing,

pointing, riding buddies has the same emergency happen to him about 10

minutes later down the trail........ we decide the $90 deer meat dinner

wasn't such a good idea afterall. 5 el poopo's later and out of toilet

paper, with frozen gravy poop on your butt, no boot sole, 25 falls in

the

icy snow, frost bitten fingers and toes, no sight from snow on goggs

......... and did I mention frozen gravey poop on butt with some cactus

needles still on board. Other than that, things are almost perfect.

Well

you get the idea. It was certainly good to get back home where my

loving

wife of 33 years of support says "I'M NOT PICKING ANY FRICKING

SPLITTERS OUT

OF YOUR BUTT, CALL YOUR RIDING BUDDIES! Needless to say I'm selling

all my

bikes and taking up the violin now. Can't wait for my first warm

violin

lesson. See photos.

P.S. Do any of you think you'll be able to help me pick the remaining

chowa

needles out of my butt cheek soon?

Sincerely,

Mr. Adventurous (aka "Thorny")

Dude, not to "rub it in" or make fun of your predicament, but that was one of the funniest stories I've heard in a long long time!!! I feel for you, literally, but still hilarious. I can only imagine the frozen ride back....

"It takes a big man to laugh at himself....and an even bigger man to laugh at that man!"

:)

HAHAHA, no offense but that was the funniest riding story I have ever heard :)

:D:):D That should be tacked to the top of these forums. Instant classic. :D :D :D

Bman you sir are my hero.

I enjoyed your tale immensely!

Where are the pics and where in Baja were you riding?

Great story thanks for posting, butt your on your own with those needles!

WOW...sorry i couldn't make the trip!

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