Why do smart women stay with jerks?

[Firecracker]

We've all done it (well, most of us anyway). Can you look back at someone you dated/married in the past and ask "What was I thinking?"

Well, what WERE you thinking?

Since I'm engaged now, and my life (love life at least) is better than I ever thought it could be, I've thought backwards on this a few times. What did I do right this time that I did wrong before?

Other than age, and maybe a little insecurity when I was younger, I still can't answer that question.

Can you?

[YamaMama]

Darned fine question! Rebellion maybe? Mom and dad hated him, so to heck with them... I know what I'M doing! LOL And I really didn't much STAY with any of the idiots. I married Mr. Right... I'm a happy camper! I was smart enough to NOT marry any of the idiots, but I wonder why I even dated any of them in the first place. BUT, I do keep in mind that they did help to make me the person I am today... be that good or bad. I guess I really don't have many complaints. Only one I'd like to erase from my life... but oh well... it's over and done. ?

Oh wait... I'm assuming I would be considered a smart woman... ?

[Tulip]

I'll have to come back to this one. There's quite a few loser candidates worth talking about. :LOL

Congrats on the engagement Fire! The right one always comes when you don't want one anymore huh?

[Firecracker]

Darned fine question! Rebellion maybe? Mom and dad hated him, so to heck with them... I know what I'M doing! LOL And I really didn't much STAY with any of the idiots. I married Mr. Right... I'm a happy camper! I was smart enough to NOT marry any of the idiots, but I wonder why I even dated any of them in the first place. BUT, I do keep in mind that they did help to make me the person I am today... be that good or bad. I guess I really don't have many complaints. Only one I'd like to erase from my life... but oh well... it's over and done.

Oh wait... I'm assuming I would be considered a smart woman...

You know that is sort of what I did a lot of times ... I didn't stay long most of the time, but I usually went right out and found another jerk. ?

I'll have to come back to this one. There's quite a few loser candidates worth talking about. :LOL

Congrats on the engagement Fire! The right one always comes when you don't want one anymore huh?

Preach it, sister.

You know what though, the bulk of my exes (with a couple of exceptions) were less jerks than just not right for me. Only one was truly controlling and verbally abusive, and one had gigantor anger management issues. The rest ... just didn't mesh well with my personality (and that's the majority reaction, I realize ? ).

But let's salute even the bad ones: Without them, we wouldn't know what we DO want!! Or, we wouldn't appreciate the good guys quite as much!

[pammy]

Have you ever read "Women Who Love Too Much." Opened my eyes big time! I was almost everything they described in there to a "T." It was scary.

I'm working my way out of those habits and not dating anyone right now. I'd rather be single then miserable at this point. I'm focusing on building my self image and my financial future. I've discovered I don't NEED someone.

[pammy]

Awesome thread by the way! ?

[Tulip]

Have you ever read "Women Who Love Too Much." Opened my eyes big time! I was almost everything they described in there to a "T." It was scary.

There's also 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives (by Dr. Laura Schlessinger). That's opened my eyes 10 times! ?

[HeidiB]

There's also 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives (by Dr. Laura Schlessinger). That's opened my eyes 10 times! ?

I love her books and have read many. "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is a must read in my opinion.

[iroc8210]

I learned that I can't tolerate alcoholics and their Jeckyl & Hyde behavior. But I can't say I regret ever being in any of my relationships. They have all helped me grow and become a better communicator. The only reason I drug a relationship out longer than it should have gone was because I lived with him and couldnt handle such a huge move and 100 mile commute to school and back from my parents house.

[art5]

Wow, I have to admit this is the only forum rougher than the kawi forums, lol,

[dirt_momma]

I love her books and have read many. "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is a must read in my opinion.

i swear by that book. i also liked "the proper care and feeding of marriage".

when i first read the "husbands" book, i was appalled. honestly. i thought any woman who submits herself to a man like that is weak, and is not her own person. but after a while, i realized how right it was. i married my husband for not only my happiness, but his too. and i needed to realize that how i treat him, directly related to how he treats me. although she pisses off most "feminist" types, i love dr. laura. her radio show is awesome too.l makes me realize how many stupid and shallow minded people are out there.

back to the original topic... i think women stay with the wrong types, in hopes they will be the one to change them. i believe that someone is who they are, and you can only accept that, not force the change.

[jat250wr]

Honestly ... I think sometimes a person just gets used to how things are day to day (bad or good) and may not realize how f'd up their situation/relationship really is.

[blndebmbr]

Honestly ... I think sometimes a person just gets used to how things are day to day (bad or good) and may not realize how f'd up their situation/relationship really is.

I have to partially agree with this.

But in retrospect, no matter how smart I am, I have always lacked self confidence. I did not have the confidence to look for what I wanted nor did I have the confidence to reject what was bad (Even when I finally figured out how bad it was ?). If I could have had even 1/4 of the confidence I have today back then, I would have made completely different choices. Even with my hubby~who is the best thing to have ever happened to me. He is one big reason my confidence is what it is today. He helped build it. Where others tore at it, he not only repaired it but reinforced it as well.

[Mellow Yellow]

Hi as a guy this is a very interesting read.I too have imagined how certain people stay together,especially when there is abuse involved.Whether it is physical or mental abuse,I just don't get it how people stay together.Is it maybe more from habit and not having to face the big bad world all alone,or what??

I got divorced last year from a cheating spouse,and wow I learnt something very important.The world still turns,your friends are still your friends,work is still work,and if you have the initiative to do stuff,there is whole world of exciting stuff waiting for you.

I bought a bike again after twenty years of not having one,my ex threatened divorce if I ever bought one again.

I bought one before the divorce even was finalized,and the amount of people I have met and the amount of fun I have had is awesome.

Life goes on,if you unhappy,move along.

Sorry if I intruded,but the same can be said for guys

[ShoujoKakumei]

During my teenage years and into college, I had a plethora of utterly useless men in my life, ranging from a pedophile and a pornography addict to a polygamist who was sleeping with at least 8 other women at the time.

It's mostly self-esteem issues that keeps women with these kinds of jerks, at least in my experience. When you're insecure and uncomfortable around people, you tend to latch on to the only people in your life that don't make you feel like that - and even if they begin to, you rationalize it away out of fear of being alone.

Getting over that fear is what finally allowed me to stop dating and get my shit together.

[Supafreak_711]

As a guy I have wondered this myself, and if you ladies cant come up with a solid answer I can never hope to do so. I guess its the flipside of the fact that alot of guys date air head girls who are nice to look at, which I'm just is just as frustrating to the decent women out there.

[Sun]

Hi as a guy this is a very interesting read.I too have imagined how certain people stay together,especially when there is abuse involved.Whether it is physical or mental abuse,I just don't get it how people stay together.Is it maybe more from habit and not having to face the big bad world all alone,or what??

I got divorced last year from a cheating spouse,and wow I learnt something very important.The world still turns,your friends are still your friends,work is still work,and if you have the initiative to do stuff,there is whole world of exciting stuff waiting for you.

I bought a bike again after twenty years of not having one,my ex threatened divorce if I ever bought one again.

I bought one before the divorce even was finalized,and the amount of people I have met and the amount of fun I have had is awesome.

Life goes on,if you unhappy,move along.

Sorry if I intruded,but the same can be said for guys

I got the bike and it helped my marriage. It gave me something I became truely passionate about. An outside interest.

http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s162/DirtNSun/ImportedPhotos00231.jpg

[Firecracker]

Men do the same things--I've seen plenty of guys stay with bitchy women. I wonder if it's fear they won't find another woman, sex addiction, or just an unwillingness to leave their comfort zones.

However, since I have only dated men, I can't comment on why anyone stays with a bitchy woman.

Anyway: Self confidence is probably a biggie. I don't think too many women are really encouraged to be confident, depending on your upbringing/generation. I know that even when I was a kid, and I'm fairly young, the unspoken push in my family was to be a helper and a giver and put other people's needs first. I think that is pretty common. But the problem is that it doesn't work very well when it's not reciprocated! I have no problem thinking of Kris before myself, but only because he does the same thing. If he were demanding or controlling, I'd suddenly revert to selfishness. I know not everybody had that type of upbringing but I do think a lot of us did. I got to watch my mother go from the giver/caretaker to being self-sufficient as she created a life away from my dad when they divorced. He certainly wasn't reciprocating either. So it's kind of weird--still--to me that sometimes she still echoes those "put him first" lessons from my younger days, to "take care of yourself" lessons that she emphasized in my teenage years. She bounces from extreme to extreme but I'm sure we all agree that both in moderation is probably healthiest for most people.

I'm not a Dr. Laura fan, but I'm one of those dratted feminist types. She has some good points, but I don't agree with everything she writes. The 10 Things book was OK, but I don't feel right about the "care and feeding" book. It just doesn't ring true for me.

Cheers to diversity, eh ladies? ?

[Plushpuppy]

Well, something I will tell my boys when they get to dating/thinking about getting married(well, I should just tell them now I suppose, they're 14 and 17, thanks God they're not into that, they are just friends with nice girls and can smell a skank), is to take a good look at the mother adn what kind of person they are. If that's a person they can live with, then things are good, but if not, just saying I've noticed that people "generally" become a lot more like their parents as they age--even though they swear up and down things will be different. I'm just talking about the princess syndrome, or road rage tendency, stuff like that, how people handle things.

AND to make sure the girl likes camping, ha, and dirt bikes ?

I think doing stuff like dirt bikes or riding horses really encourage confidence in a woman. I know riding horses in my teen years really taught me a lot of good things and really clicked with who I was/am and made me feel it was good to be that. I had a mom who was the princess type and hated horses and the dirt and grrrr that went along with that and she was always trying to make me something else(she would so disapprove of the dirt bikes now!). Being able to ride something that breathes fire(I've ridden a few horses like that ?) is just so dang cool, and reworks your brain to think yeah I can do that (or not have to) in other parts of your life.

(heh, heh, I have this precious memory of this last Halloween when my 14 year old--in his homemade robot, cardboard box and dryer hose-- was mobbed by a couple of older swiss milkmaids, heh, heh, heh--it was so cute to see into his world, without being the mom standing there, I was incognito in my mx stuff )

[DGXR]

This is a very interesting discussion, and yes it applies to both genders and regardless of one's orientation/preference. My sister dated jerk after jerk for YEARS, and instead of openly judging or telling her what I thought of her latest interest, I just sat back and let her have the experiences. This was not out of apathy, but out of respect and love. First, she would have resented my dislike of her lover(s) because she was totally into them at the time; and second, when she finally got sick of dysfunctional relationships, she realized what she had been doing and thanked me profusely for not getting nosy in her business. Of course I love my sister, and sure it was tough to bite my tongue. But we are now closer than ever. Bottom line: people must have certain experiences in order to learn, change, and grow (which is always painful). The specific needed experiences will vary, and a person may need decades of a repeated experience before they are willing to put effort into some painful growth. Sometimes I feel like I should "warn" friends and family about what they are doing, but if their behavior is not life-threatening, I have realized that we are all adults and it is not my business to offer unsolicited advice about what kind of experiences they have. Plus, this allows people to never have to say "I told you so," or, "You were right, I should have listened," both of which have always been uncomfortable to me. Live and learn, with love. My $0.02