Baja Tale



7 replies to this topic
  • bman

Posted January 27, 2004 - 05:54 PM

#1

Glade I didn't tag along on this ride last week!!

My weekend ride....

A true story of adventure intended for your enjoyment. Graphic details
not
for the light hearted.

To my riding buddies, be glad you missed out on this ride. These are
the
kind of rides that make memories forever, the kind you DON'T want to be
your
first experience in a remote foreign place.

Check out the photos which were taken when things were still fun. This
turned out to be the Baja Adventure from Hell. Long story but here's
the
summary: Started out Thurs morn, 7am, dusty, with 4 guys on a ride
designed
in advance to be for 3 days, carrying back packs and tools with all our
gear
for 2 nights out in the middle of nowhere. A simple, stupid crash
early put
a nice bruize on my leg along with some regular cactus thorns in my
butt.
This should have been the indicator for what was to come. At the 70
mile
mark into the ride, 1 guy goes back to the truck with bad stomach, a
smarter
move than we thought, as we would find out later. Dust begins to go
away in
trade for light snow. Temp is now about 35 degrees. We are at the 90
mile
mark of tight single track into our 1st day's ride. Snow is getting
worse,
but still fun, until we are riding in about 18" of fresh snow, having
difficulty staying on and even finding the trails. We ride for about 3
hours in deep snow, until dusk is on us. It's gets pitch black dark by
5:30
pm. Underneath the snow begins to form ice as a base which makes it
lmost
impossible to keep your bike upright. You become constantly fighting
to
keep from going down, with occasional complete instant broad slides at
30
mph coming to a complete abrupt stop at 90 degrees to the direction
your
were heading only seconds before. Your arms are pumped to the max due
to
the constant muscle flexing intimidation of anticipating and avoiding
the
fall. You have to maintain 30 mph to keep the bike headed in the
general
direction you want to go and then WHAM, it slides completely sideways,
with
no warning, and you slide to a stop trying not to fall OR the other
option
is you fall and dig in like large airplane hitting the snow at an
awkward
angle, shoving snow into every cavity that can be stuffed with white
fresh
snow. I managed to slide out on a large rock face and tip over (high
side)
sitting squarely on a large CHOWA cactus inserting 200 or so 3 inch
long
barbed needles into my butt cheek as the bike falls on top of me
pinning me
to the Chowa cactus. My pants and riding skins are now stapled to my
skin
with thorns. These needles don't just pull out due to the barbs, I
have to
break off what I can by feeling with my fingertips, in order to just
allow
my pants to be removed. I can't see the thorns on my back side, so I
have
to drop my pants and skins, standing butt ass naked in the snowy
darkness,
bent over picking needles out of my butt cheek, hoping Candid camera is
not
lurking around. After 30 minutes I have most of them broken off with
the
residue remaining as little nubs, just enough to annoy the crap out of
you
if you try to sit down. It's rather difficult to even get my pants
back on
as they catch on the remaining nubs as you slide them up. I Ride for
the
next hour standing up with a quick reminder if I try to sit down. My
Feet
are frozen with no feeling, arms are mush, can't feel any extremities,
but
luckily the cactus needles are now numb too. The Mexican Federalies
stop us
in pitch black of night, in deep snow, at El Topo(a mere title given to
a
spot which is basically in the middle of nowhere, these guys are
fricking
nuts, like who would be smuggling drugs in 25 degree weather in the
middle
of nowhere!). We trek on as it's now basically a "white out". I
Manage to
fall again and hit my shinbone in the exact same spot as earlier in the
day
where the large bruise now already exists. 2 of our 3 bikes now run
out of
gas, due to the added rpm required to ride in the deep snow. Not
knowing
how far we are from the cabin, another one of those spots in the middle
of
nowhere, we make a plan to send 1 bike (mine) to get gas, leaving 2
guys in
the dark, in the snow. Their lighter, the one they've had for 15 years
of
so and never had to use, for a fire, does not work, too much melted ice
and
impact. Turns out we are only 15 miles from the cabin on the rock,
which
takes about 45 minutes to negotiate after several falls at 30 mph. I
round
up the rancher who has closed up this remote location/destination
assuming
that we aren't coming. I syphon 2 gallons of gas in the dark and head
back
out to save my buddies from a weary night in the snow and ice..... butt
cold, with icy wet socks. I find them in the dark, shivering and
trying to
decide which one of them is going to be sleeping on top. Needless to
say
they are grateful to see me. We transfer fuel to the empty bikes and
head
out. We do not arrive until after 8pm at the "cabin on the rock", 130
miles
later of snowy single track. They brew up some soup and deer meat,
serving
us by flashlight as there are no lights, the generator is out. We try
to
warm up by the wood stove as I try to pick more cactus needle nubs out
of
butt cheek. 2 tequilla's later we go to bed fat and happy, not quite
thawed
out yet and with wet gear by the wood stove. In the morning the heat
from
the stove has melted the glue on my boot and the sole falls off!!
Boots are
still not dry either! We try to Zip tie the sole back on, which
doesn't
work so good if you're taking notes, and boots with no sole are much
like
wearing thongs. It has snowed all night and is still snowing..... 25
Degrees outside, bikes are covered in snow. We make a corporate
decision to
"get out of Dodge" and ride back to our trucks 130 miles away, in what
is
now, 24" of snow. It's very difficult to find the trail or the
road....
feel like crap.... literally. All of sudden, have to panic stop and el
poopo like a kinked hose....... My buddies laugh and giggle as I slowly
come
back out of the woods with the cowboy walk. Grant, one of those
laughing,
pointing, riding buddies has the same emergency happen to him about 10
minutes later down the trail........ we decide the $90 deer meat dinner
wasn't such a good idea afterall. 5 el poopo's later and out of toilet
paper, with frozen gravy poop on your butt, no boot sole, 25 falls in
the
icy snow, frost bitten fingers and toes, no sight from snow on goggs
......... and did I mention frozen gravey poop on butt with some cactus
needles still on board. Other than that, things are almost perfect.
Well
you get the idea. It was certainly good to get back home where my
loving
wife of 33 years of support says "I'M NOT PICKING ANY FRICKING
SPLITTERS OUT
OF YOUR BUTT, CALL YOUR RIDING BUDDIES! Needless to say I'm selling
all my
bikes and taking up the violin now. Can't wait for my first warm
violin
lesson. See photos.

P.S. Do any of you think you'll be able to help me pick the remaining
chowa
needles out of my butt cheek soon?

Sincerely,
Mr. Adventurous (aka "Thorny")

  • Butta

Posted January 27, 2004 - 06:34 PM

#2

Dude, not to "rub it in" or make fun of your predicament, but that was one of the funniest stories I've heard in a long long time!!! I feel for you, literally, but still hilarious. I can only imagine the frozen ride back....

"It takes a big man to laugh at himself....and an even bigger man to laugh at that man!"

:)

  • Gordingull

Posted January 28, 2004 - 04:46 AM

#3

HAHAHA, no offense but that was the funniest riding story I have ever heard :)

  • cyclenut51

Posted January 28, 2004 - 05:19 AM

#4

:D :) :D That should be tacked to the top of these forums. Instant classic. :D :D :D

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  • beezer

Posted January 28, 2004 - 06:48 AM

#5

Bman you sir are my hero.

I enjoyed your tale immensely!

  • bajabunk

Posted January 28, 2004 - 07:58 AM

#6

Where are the pics and where in Baja were you riding?

  • endurodog

Posted January 28, 2004 - 11:39 AM

#7

Great story thanks for posting, butt your on your own with those needles!

  • geo199

Posted January 29, 2004 - 06:59 AM

#8

WOW...sorry i couldn't make the trip!




 
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